Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Bill is short for Billiam
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.