my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Had an epiphany today.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?