ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn