A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
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[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go