12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
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“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
podcasts
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I miss this era type of pranks😭
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*