American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
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1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back