perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Breaking news:
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder