My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
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Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
pictures of spider-man
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.