Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
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[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker