My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
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I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.