Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…