If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.