me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
At an art museum and I thought this was art
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My first son he is wonderful
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant