That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together