If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Doctors texting each other.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?