MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
sleeping beauty
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I have never related to anyone more.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
absolutely not
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…