Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck