BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
You Might Also Like
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I was bored.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
*gets down on one knee*
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My time has come.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
How do you milk an almond?