My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
You Might Also Like
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy