Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?