Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized