I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
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Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.