“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
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wtf is an acronym
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
yall want some gasoline milk
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.