me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
You Might Also Like
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.