Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*