Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
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bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I have questions??
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
constantly working on myself.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*launders Kohls cash*
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up