What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
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By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.