A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
You Might Also Like
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Holy crap this is wonderful
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed