A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Taco Bell, Exit 22
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?