im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
You Might Also Like
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.