olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
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*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
@ candidates for local office
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
accurate
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation