Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
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keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
multitasking lunch
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room