If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me