This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I would like even faster food.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
synchronized noseblowing
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
tell em, edith-anne
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
incredible
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.