Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
🤣🤣
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
worst…sale…ever
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.