My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
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Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
the three branches of government
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.