I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
You Might Also Like
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!