Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath