My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…