Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Bootstraps
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.