[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
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Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Smooooooth
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
One of the best
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.