ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
j o i m p
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
🤯🤯🤯
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”