Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
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Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Anime is real
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive