My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
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[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
How dude HOW?!
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Twitter is an abusement park.