16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
The USS B port
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Facebook marketplace is a different world
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.