Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.