Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.