I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
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I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
a fate I wish upon no one
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Knock Knock
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.