Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”