[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally